idk man it just hurts

 what did he want that was worth this  if he wanted me to be happy and knew  what was best for me he would've wanted me to pay off my debt first and not suggest sooner flights but slow down when i said i was nervous and not ready for anything like a relationship matsan is almost 18 years old and i've missed 3 years with him i can't stop cdrying. i haven't bene able to cuddl and watch movies with him since aprril 2022 my ex took so much from me it hurts to the ends of the earth and hurts every part ofmy soul my god father is almost 80 and i've lost 3 yuears with  him he can't leave bed anymore my god grandmother died before i could see her again because of the brainfog and my health crisis sprailling downward after having c0vid dad is almost 80 and iv lost 3 years of cycling to see   him  my mom is in her 70s and i was going to help her after a lifetime in poverty i haven't been able to watch a movie with her for 3 years he took so much from me he never...

4 years ago was the last summer i had. this can't be happening. my health and time how i felt inside and how my brain felt and my hopes and wishes and spending time with my mama and my cat and being able to go outside to see the flowers I loved were all i had to lose in this hurtful existence and somehow they got taken too. i hurt to the depths of my bones, i've never known pain like this. i was at my limit when this happened. i was just starting to feel okay again. please. -------------------------------------------- before may 2022: i used to get up i used to clean my room i used to play piano i used to paint i used to draw i used to sing i used to dance i used to watch youtube i used to listen to podcasts i used to cuddle matsan i used to lie down i used to go for walks i used to stretch and jog i used to go to the park i used to cycle (i'd just got a bike in 2021 and freedom to ride it here) i used to have baths and they were nice i used to make playlists and listen to ...

the things  mattered most to me in this entire world, to my soul. was spending time with my mom and my cat, making up lost time from my abuse, and going for little walks. not being able to do that for 3 years. losing 3 precious years ontop of what was 7 years. but this time losing so much more. i can't. the grief is crushing my and no wonder i'm already crying before i even wake up. IT HURTS SO MUCH I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO  i couldn't handle worse than what i've already been through. i know it, he knows it, the universe knows it

  #youngerself I met my younger self for coffee today She showed up 10 minutes late and I struggled to even show. her hair was natural brown, and mine is too, and she was happy when I told her we lived our dream of being blonde like Terra from Teen Titans for a few years. she asked if we still had Matsan and loved gaming. I let her know not really… that I'm hurting so bad I can't do anything. she asked if we survived the domestic abuse? we did, barely, with so much help from friends and loved ones. but then something much much worse happened just as we got our freedom back. She starts crying, and so do I. she asked with bright eyes if we got our dream of making our mom happy and getting out of poverty.  I could hardly even talk. Almost, I tell her. almost. months into it we lost it all and met someone who was reckless with our health and our money and our life, kissed us while sick and we lost our career and health and all our dreams. I can't keep the conversation going, i...

im just mad and upset :'( i watched so many moves in the start of 2022 :( i was starting to watch every movie i'd ever wanted to watch!! i was so excited at being able to watch movies, end of 2021 was when i just started feeling okay watching movies by myself i just watched so many so it was amazing to enter different worlds like ethat I loved it and i'm so upset!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I haven't watched any since I got sick because everything in my brain went numb and weird with fog the truama of getting covid from someone who promised to care but didn't take the tests they were supposed to take. when i'd sacrificed my treatment and debt money for them at their suggestion to meet that summer. shocked the life out of me ._. I can't stand him for doing this and turning my life upside in the most painful way ever! I was joyful in my heart and at peace in my home! how could he!

i wish he'd pushed for us to wait to get to know each other, to ensure my safety, after everything i'd been through. i wish he'd pushed for us to wait because getting treatment should've been the most important financial thing in my life in that moment. I wish he'd pushed for us to wait because paying off my moms debt and living my dream of taking her on holiday should've been the happiness he wanted me to have. I wish he'd pushed for us to wait because I was scared and nervous. I wish he'd pushed for us to wait and wanted to make sure I wouldn't get hurt again and got to know  him fully because making any decisions. my teeth were straight before i met him, i was healthy and well, and was in a position to sacrifice a lot of irl stuff (which i had, i hadn't seen my dad in a year), work from home, i was very high risk for covid (pmdd, autism, low platelets, had simian crease, and other genetics that made me in the genetically high risk group for ne...

 the only thing that stops me screaming crying is if i decide to end my life. i just can't live with it. i can't live with how much he hurt me. talking to my friends isn't helping enough, therapy isn't helping enough, trying to do things i like isn't enough. taking my health and abilities to do things after i'd recently got out of 7 years of abuse trauma. after i'd just saved to pay off my moms debt. after i'd just survived the *at the time* worst of my mouth stuff *before covid made it 100000000x times worse) was the worst thing. anyone on this earth. could have ever. done to me.  i hope if heaven is real its jus my life 2019 to early 2022 before we met. that's all i want. that was my heaven. my matsan and my bed and my ability to ride bikes in the sun and listen to music. my heaven. how could you cause me this many tears, physical pain, and sadness. AMTANSTAM YB AMSTNS N ASOIDBN OAERJ OSIM ANS MYIFELS NALTM Y ILFESIJ ABDADAD ANDI AND LCESID HOSUE A...

this can't be real, they can't have done this, how could someone care and cause me this much pain this can't be real, they can't have done this, how could someone care and cause me this much pain this can't be real, they can't have done this, how could someone care and cause me this much pain this can't be real, they can't have done this, how could someone care and cause me this much pain this can't be real, they can't have done this, how could someone care and cause me this much pain this can't be real, they can't have done this, how could someone care and cause me this much pain this can't be real, they can't have done this, how could someone care and cause me this much pain this can't be real, they can't have done this, how could someone care and cause me this much pain this can't be real, they can't have done this, how could someone care and cause me this much pain this can't be real, they can't have do...

 2021 was the last year i was healthy and happy and myslef. it was the worst year ever because of my mouth stuff, but i'd survived the worst of it and it was getting better. it was. it *was* . until i met a new person and within 2 months on their suggestion they visited and i bought the tickets before my debt.  2021 to 2025 is what 2021 to 2017 was. i cannot fucking fathom losing that much time. i have no memory of mid 2022/2023/2024 because all i did was cry in the dark in SEVERE AGONY. i hardly saw daylight for 3 years. i didn't do anything except try cope with the pain for 10 hours a day at home. it was. torture. agony. pain, because of the covid he gave me so painfully. 2019 to 2021 felt like 5 years.  whereas now 2021 feels like yesterday. i lost 7 years to domestic abuse control and trauma, at least i could still function, and no lasting health issues. this was my chance. this was my second chance. and somehow i compromised for someone and they hurt me beyond belief...

i miss my posters above my bed  i miss my bed i miss my bedroom i miss my piano i miss my sofa i miss my desk i miss my plants that are dead now i miss my health i miss my heart not hurting i miss doing things on my pc i miss everything i miss my home i miss everything. i miss everything from April 2022 and before.  i miss everything.  i didn't stand a chance. i didn't stand a chance surviving him.

  i collected nice things my whole life, paints, drawing pads i thought even if i got injured i'd still be able to use them, in 2020/21 i started to feel ok enough after 6/7 years of controlling relationship trauma+near death experience (since 2014) june 2022 i ca't even believe i msaying this. but the actions of someone i trusted took my health so badly and made me so scared and sad and in shock and gave me problems in my brain i couldn't handle and gave me a nightmare painful scary life i didn't recognize i had no idea i could get traumatised this much by someone and experience this much pain and neurological problems. i really really can't explain this feeling to you guys something is wrong and its such a nightmare its such shock its such horror. its like the worst nightmare imaginable. i'm so. sad. to my core of my soul im so sad. i miss everything so much i can't even believe i was so so happy in april 2022. i was 26 the last time i was safe and happ...

i  didn't have a ton of things in my life. id lived most of my life from bins and homeless and a lot of poverty and abuse trauma and s/a from childhood to adulthood and traumatising levels of abuse but i stayed myself. i was okay. i survived it. i hoped for better days. always. i always kept hope and had hope in my heart and in the end of 2019 things just started to get better in the end of 2021 i just started to get out of poverty just started barely being able to afford oreos at full price without crying from guilt. i saved up every penny i ever made for emergencies and to help my mommy and go to see my family, pay off her debt and pay my medical treatment but i had my bed and i had my mama and i had my cat and and i loved these 3 things so much and i had my pc and i had pencils and paper and i was okay i was healing i had healed from most of hte painful things in my life and i'd survived the worst of the mouth crisis it was starting to get better. i had all my favourite copi...

i can't believe i used to lie on my bed i can't believe i used to be able to just watch tv, how amazing that would feel i can't believe i used to be able to spend time with my mom i would give anything i can't believe i used to be able to spend time cuddling matsan it hurts everything hurts i can't believe i used to be able to play any game on my pc what a beautiful, incredible gift that would be, what a blessing i can't believe i used to be able to go outside and walk to the park what heaven i can't believe i used to be able to do exercise in my room what fun and a blessing i can't believe i used to be able to talk to my friends and not be silent in grief and shock and confusion so incredible and fun that would be i can't believe i used to be able to read any  book? unbelievable, what a gift to be able to do that, entire worlds at your fingertips, how special and amazing i can't believe i used to be able to clean my home? that would be so fun an...

 when i feel my teeth twisted in my mouth and how i can't close it, I panic so deeply i feel i'm going to die when I realise I've lost 3 years with my mama. my mama and my matsan. my worst fear, i used to write every day in my diary when i was 15 was that i'd lose time with them that realisation? of that? is the worst fear i've ever felt in my life? I puke? i cry? I feel like i'm going to die? i literally just puked from panic? I can't keep anything down. it's not getting easier How could someone HAVE DONE THIS TO MY HEALTH? I CAN'T ITS SO SCARY I CAN'T?????? i cannot believe they let me buy them an entire 4 plane tickets as someone who just met me? and didn't listen enough about my debt situation? and then gave me covid? taking away my health just completely? taking away the hope I had of fixing my mouth which was so traumatic? help? this is so horrible i cannot be alive and live with the fact this has happened? It's all the grief i was ...

with all the love and respect in the world i can't live with whats happened. it's not his fault i just truly can't. this was too much pain for me and it just happened to happen because of their actions. its not their fault. maybe i was just doomed to suffer and then die. its a shame because this life was so beaitiful. i got to experience how beautiful it was very briefly but from what i experienced, a lifetime wouldn't have been enough, let alone just a few short years of experiencing freedom and joy. i really really wasn't joking when i said to him another trauma would kill me. it really has and i really can't be here anymore. it hurts too much .

  i miss the trees. i miss the grass. i miss me. i miss you. i miss the sky. i miss the leaves. i miss green. i miss blue. i miss the sun not hurting. i loved. i loved. i tried. i tried to be strong. my whole life. i tried to be kind. i tried to help. i tried to survive this. i should've got to dance. to sing. to learn to paint to learn piano to laugh. to cry at normal things to cut my hair and wear makeup to go light brown from the sun to walk in the rain to help snails i loved snails. how could he. ive never been so physically hurt by a person i didn't see it coming

my faovuirte movie when i was 4. thumbelina. i didn't even get to watch it again. i didn't get to watch so many movies again, i haven't bene able to watch trv with my mama fior 3 years. how cna i not just cry and cry and cry and cry and puke all night. how could he? i really mean it. how could he. why. why did i have to be single and in danger. why. why . why  i endured so much. i suffered so much my whole life but nothing compared to this. i just enduredb ecause.. i hoped for good. i hoped ofr things to bcome okay. and they finllay.~ tjey finally became okay in the end of 2019 amd the. and 2020 they finally became good even in thw orst of my mouth pain it was okay i was so happy playing piano watching tv shows for the firs ttime i was so happy how i can't i am going to explode from pain and sadnesss i can't. i can't believe this hash appened this is an entire. nightmare and so much grief i don't feel real and i can't. live its too painful its too much g...

i can't cook in the kitchen with my mom. i can't move around ym house. i can't open my tikche cupboard without blinding grief. when i remember anything i cry and fall to the gruond and go blind with  grief. when my mom brings up a memory i burst into tears. i used to love my memories. they were my favourite. I loved remembering nice things. i shouldn't have lost this much over something so avoidable. not a freak accident. not time. not illness. just a choice of another. a choice not to test. a choice to kiss and not wait. a choice to push for a visit and plane ticket and not wait. what was wrong with waiting. for my sake. if i hadn't believed them  saying they wouldn't harm me my life would've been okay for a bit longer if i hadn't believed them my life would've been okay for a bit longer even if i'd died in a freak accident a year later i would've been happier i could've experienced 2 years riding my bike instead of 1 i could've expe...

compiling my thoughts (also makes it easier to process + tell my therapist whats wrong)  When I dream. It's the end of 2021/start of 2022 .  Aka the last time I was me and had my life.  Horrifying, any way.  The reason I am in crisis; Something very suddenly happened that changed my entire life: meeting someone and them wanting to meet quickly and accepting all my money for a plane ticket honestly just firmly accelerating everything, asking me to not let my fear ruin it and to give them a chance. I am autistic, I loved everything, and I saw the best in people.  when you believe anything anyone says,  it's easy to believe someone  is as kind and genuine as they say.  It's easy to ignore the warning signs when you doubt yourself and you and the person you're talking to says your fears with them aren't necessary.  Him: "I don't want us to not try because of experiences we had with other people, we shouldn't live in their shadow" Him: "I don't...

 i din't get to learn piano   i didn't get to discover all the music i wanted to like i didn't get to read all the books i wanted to read i didn't get to go anywhere with my mom i wanted to go i never got to colour in my  colouring in books i never got to wear my ice skates i never got to use my paints i never got to play with my dolls I got i never got to make a song i never got to post all my photography i never got to take the photographs i wanted i never got to ice skate i never got to swim in the sea with my mama again  i never got to see my family again i never got to do eveything i ever dreamt of since i was a little girl i never got to re-watch my childhood movies i never got to do the diy i wanted to do i never got to wear my dresses again i didn't get to know what its like for me and my mum to not struggle for money i didn't get to buy myself anything nice i didn't get to go to the park i wanted to go to i didn't get to  i didn't i why iw a...

my head is filled with things i used to do before the infection and before the brain changes and trauma. and oh how much i miss everything with my whole heart, it hurts so much. every time I'm reminded of something i used to do before this, i miss it so much it makes me feel like the world is dropping away from underneath me. i write it down every time i miss something. unfortunately there's 26 years of my life worth of things to miss before i got sick, so there's a lot.  every time i miss being able to do something or miss being okay and it makes me cry hard, i write it  down. here is a small fraction of that list. a list of everything that's made me cry very hard when i've thought about it or seen it, a list of things i haven't been able to do since, a list of things i miss that i used to do before getting covid.  things that i now can't do, thing that make me cry or hurt too much if i try do them. im sure others can relate to this feeling of missing every...