compiling my thoughts (also makes it easier to process + tell my therapist whats wrong)

compiling my thoughts (also makes it easier to process + tell my therapist whats wrong) 


When I dream. It's the end of 2021/start of 2022. 

Aka the last time I was me and had my life. Horrifying, any way. 

The reason I am in crisis;

Something very suddenly happened that changed my entire life: meeting someone and them wanting to meet quickly and accepting all my money for a plane ticket honestly just firmly accelerating everything, asking me to not let my fear ruin it and to give them a chance.

I am autistic, I loved everything, and I saw the best in people. 

when you believe anything anyone says, it's easy to believe someone is as kind and genuine as they say. 

It's easy to ignore the warning signs when you doubt yourself and you and the person you're talking to says your fears with them aren't necessary. 
Him:
"I don't want us to not try because of experiences we had with other people, we shouldn't live in their shadow"

Him:
"I don't want our fears to ruin this. The only thing that will genuinely ruin this whole thing is if our fears stop this amazing thing before it can begin"




They said a lot of things that did not match up with reality, things he did and admitted to holding back, things that would've been deal breakers for me.

So now after crying my eyes out terrified to trust this person, saying all my fears are screaming this is danger, ignoring all the red flags because they said it's just my fears and they promised no harm.

They promised. no harm.

So I trust them and they come over here and within 3 weeks I am crying my eyes out on my birthday, I forgive them for ruining my birthday,
then I get given covid in my room avoidably after offering a test.
when they have their own tests, after extensively talking about covid every day and how much I need to avoid it. 

The thing I was cautious about since november 2019 and he literally gives it to my in my room. 

And not just by chance or unlucky mistake. I dodged it for 4 days and might not have caught it at all because I had fans, Hepa filters, a humidifier running and tried not to breathe around them because I wasn't sold on them saying they weren't contagious.

But nope. Nope he kissed me while he felt unwell on the 4th night.(5th night of being contagious). i developed my first symptoms in isolation a week later. 

"Accidents happen, I shouldn't have kissed you when I felt unwell" -him

You should have tested if you felt unwell. You should have been extremely concerned about me and my elderly mum if you felt unwell. 

I was in the middle of a very very tentative medical crisis that required focus, and action in order to avoid infection and get treatment to prevent total disfiguration. 

Getting covid. Then after that my cat almost died and bad emergency surgery. And then after that my phone broke while waiting for my cat in surgery.

These two things wouldn't have happened if I hadn't had covid. 

"Oh Boohoo a phone" Yes i agree my cat almost dying is the extreme here, but i'd lived in poverty my whole life, it was my first ever functional good working phone that i got,

idk if its the autism but my phone was very much an extension  of me, I used it for photography, and for everything pretty much. I did all my work on it. it helped with my anxiety. 

Edited photos, took photos, watched things, i did everything on it.

So. Where are we now in June 2022.

I've just spent £1,000, almost all my savings. 

For someone to come over here. 

And give me covid. And lead to the situation that caused my phone to break. And my cat to almost die. 

I basically go into shock. 

Covid makes all my existing conditions worse, 

My hereditary conditions,

My ovaries, 

Everything hurts. 

I get the worst brain inflammation and brainfog that lasts years. 

I get severe onset OCD (pans) 

My life is fucked now. 

For 3 years I am basically in a waking coma of nothing but OCD and pain. 

It makes my existing medical crisis 100000000x worse,

my teeth were straight when he arrived here, and after I has covid they moved very quickly and became much more disfigured. 

I miss appointments, can't book a specialist. I'm broke now because I can't work. 

Mentally the brain fog, I can't do ANYTHING. I can't work. I can't find a treatment. I can't organize funding of my own treatment. My phones broken. Im isolated. 

I can't get new phone or pay for specialist treatment. 

I am buying almost all his food , and transport on this trip, my mom bought his gas and electricity

Over all the first trip cost probably 4k in total not including flights.

got my life destroyed

Furniture I loved and had forever got broken and I had to pretend it was okay

Bowls I've had since I was a child got broken. 

It's whatever but I'm an autistic who puts personalities sand meaning into things I've had for over 20 years. 

This entire thing makes all my trauma worse. 

I am now broke completely after only just getting money for the first time in my entire life because I started working at the end of 2021.

A few fucking months of being able to afford basic food is all I experienced. 

I'd started learning piano because I was finally Not traumatised enough to be able to. 

I'd just started being able to watch movies and I loved the

I'd only just discovered I liked music.

I was discovering all this at 26.

And then not even a day into 27.

I didn't even get a chance to experience life

Suddenly I here in 2025

3 years of severe brain fog, 

Inflammation, OCD, 

I lose 3 years with my loved ones. 

For 3 years I can't watch movies, playing piano, do any thing. 

Even play games I loved. 

The brain fog severe. 

The OCD severe. 

I lose 3 years. 

I don't just lose them. 

The 3 years are replaced by distress.

And severe pain 

And extreme grief because I know precious time is passing me by. 

My dad is almost 80. My cat is almost 18.

I'd only just started to live in 2020 after a lifetime of trauma, abuse, domestic abuse, restrictive every thing. 

I'd just discovered riding my bike. I'D JUST DISCOVERED THE FREEDOM OF RIDING A BIKE THE YEAR BEFORE LESS THAN A YEAR BEFORE AND IT WAS TAKEN. 

I'd just discovered painting in 2020

Halloween and December 2021 I watched movies for the first time by myself,

Because of domestic abuse trauma I hadn't been able to do that for 7 years. 

I was so fucking happy. 

I'd just discovered TV shows. 

I was so fucking g happy. 

I was just starting to discover life. 

And I was so happy in my heart.

And he hurt me so fucking much and took not just everything I loved and could do and my sense of self but TIME. and replaced it with so much pain. 

And then he visited again,. I paid for it again. It was more traumatic than the first trip, he broke up with me after Les than  3 weeks of being here, said he was going to book a  ticket hone. After I'd just paid every penny I had and dipped I to my savings for another £800 plane ticket..

For fuck sake.

So I go into shock. That's fun.

I don't remember anything after that. 

I don't really remember anything except before may 2021.

So when I dream I am there. in early 2022.

And my life hasn't been destroyed yet.