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 the only thing that stops me screaming crying is if i decide to end my life.

i just can't live with it.
i can't live with how much he hurt me.

talking to my friends isn't helping enough, therapy isn't helping enough, trying to do things i like isn't enough.

taking my health and abilities to do things after i'd recently got out of 7 years of abuse trauma. after i'd just saved to pay off my moms debt. after i'd just survived the *at the time* worst of my mouth stuff *before covid made it 100000000x times worse)

was the worst thing.
anyone on this earth.
could have ever. done to me. 







i hope if heaven is real its jus my life 2019 to early 2022 before we met.
that's all i want. that was my heaven. my matsan and my bed and my ability to ride bikes in the sun and listen to music.
my heaven.
how could you cause me this many tears, physical pain, and sadness.








AMTANSTAM YB AMSTNS N ASOIDBN OAERJ OSIM ANS MYIFELS NALTM Y ILFESIJ ABDADAD ANDI AND LCESID HOSUE AND EBTHATN AD BEYVERINTHNG VBN YOIEVYERHTN;OGI UYN CAIOU ENVENIU HTSIUDNIUESRTH OYU CANTN FELEM YU FPAJN IRHGNTO IU CNA FJEELI NTMY I OAN INWONI NBEIOFNS IOJFI FIOFYU O HADF NAYOID JIOEA HOWI HCIL FIEELITKJ LIJ NWOI HE NOIGU IUYO HAD ANY IFEA HOWI  FELT LI RGHTN OW BN IYF UYIO COUDL EVNE AFEEL 1% OF MYU PAIN EURTHGTN OW WHAT OYU'EV DONE TO ME BM I HCAN'TB ELIVE WHAT' YOIU V'E DONE TO ME BY CGIVINGM E COVID I CAN'T BELIEVW HAOYU'VE DONE OT MBE PUSHIG ME INTRO PSUING AND TRYING NAD WANTING OT BE WITHME YOU HORROR HYOU HRORI W AS SO CKCLOSE TO VLOCKING YOU IWAS SO CKLOSE OT LBOKCIGN OYU IAHVE TOI CHAHNGIOE HTE POAST IM GOING TOI HCANGEI THEP AST IM GOINGT PACHANGEIO TH PAST BNECAUS IEOJ WAOI HTEOIR IO WALCNEAMID Y KEYNBAOPRDI AND IO HAIOVE TOPIUJ CHIOANOIEDH TE PASTI H AOIVEM OITJSO IJOICNJ AOISDJ OI HAOIVEO ITJOI HCNAUNGUIOE POAST I HAVEO T WAGO BACK TOW HEN IW OCUCLD WATCH ALL THMY FAOUVIRETMO IVES I HAVE TO CHANG ET HPAST I HAVET O HCANGEH TEPO AST IH AVE TO IH AVEO TO GB ACKJ TOHW EN IO CULD CUDLDME Y MAUTNSANAD HWEN WME NAD MYO MO OWERE OKAY NAD I STILL HAD HOPE NAD TEETH STUIFF WAS GETINTG BETTERN ADN OABOUT TO GET WORSEB UACSEO F OCVID AND I HAVEO TO BACK TO WHEN I DOUCLD DO EVERYTHING I HAVEO JTOI GJBACK OIHAOIVEJ OTIJ IOH AVEROI JTOH GOIB ACK OT WHEN ICOULD RIDFEM YN IBKE IN THE SUN IH AEVOI TJO IBACK TOW HEN I SOUCLD SITIN THE SUN I HAVE TO HGO BACK TO WHE NI CLUDL SITEN Y T MUSCI M GOING TO HAWVE AH EART ATTACKC IMGOING TOH AVE A HEARTATTACK IM GOING TO HAVE A HEARTATTACK IM GOING OTHAVE A HEARTATTACK


"I CANT BELIEVE WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO ME. YOU GAVE ME COVID DURING SUCH A CRUCIAL SENSITIVE WEAK TIME FOR ME, I CAN’T BELIEVE WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO ME. PAIN AND SUFFERING, TRYING TO BE WITH ME,  I WAS SO CLOSE TO BEING SAFE. I HAVE TO CHANGE THE PAST. I HAVE TO GO BACK TO WHEN I COULD WATCH ALL MY FAVORITE MOVIES, WHEN MY MOM AND I WERE OKAY, AND I STILL HAD HOPE. THINGS WERE GETTING BETTER, BUT THEN COVID MADE EVERYTHING WORSE. I HAVE TO GO BACK TO WHEN I COULD DO EVERYTHING, RIDE MY BIKE IN THE SUN, SIT IN THE SUN, AND LISTEN TO MUSIC. I’M GOING TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK. I’M GOING TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK. I’M GOING TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK."

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