-
the things 
mattered most to me in this entire world, to my soul.
was spending time with my mom and my cat, making up lost time from my abuse, and going for little walks.

not being able to do that for 3 years. losing 3 precious years ontop of what was 7 years. but this time losing so much more.

i can't. the grief is crushing my and no wonder i'm already crying before i even wake up.


IT HURTS SO MUCH I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO 
i couldn't handle worse than what i've already been through. i know it, he knows it, the universe knows it

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

todays feelings

-
  i wake up, the pain sets in and realisation of that i’m in this reality, i panic and cry for majority of the day, then i pass out and it repeats, no matter what i try do. repeat for 2.5 years i haven’t been a human being since april 2022 i’m just in shock. i’m in shock and have been in shock since my symptoms came on and i have been in shock since i’m in shock. i caught it where i should’ve been safest in the world, in my room where only people i briefed on how covid would kill me were allowed to enter, i can't process this And that was the last week i ever played my piano, ever rode my bike and ever watched a movie and tv show pain free. i have lost 96% of everything i love and everything in my life because of getting covid how and when i did i should’ve only had to deal with the trauma of the jaw and mouth and scary teeth stuff. i shouldn’t have got infected mid all of that. every day i miss how traumatic the jaw stuff was and all the hospital trips, because it was heaven compa...
Read more

i still have pebbles in my trainers from the last time i wore them 3 years ago and walked on the beach

-
my head is filled with things i used to do before the infection and before the brain changes and trauma. and oh how much i miss everything with my whole heart, it hurts so much. every time I'm reminded of something i used to do before this, i miss it so much it makes me feel like the world is dropping away from underneath me. i write it down every time i miss something. unfortunately there's 26 years of my life worth of things to miss before i got sick, so there's a lot.  every time i miss being able to do something or miss being okay and it makes me cry hard, i write it  down. here is a small fraction of that list. a list of everything that's made me cry very hard when i've thought about it or seen it, a list of things i haven't been able to do since, a list of things i miss that i used to do before getting covid.  things that i now can't do, thing that make me cry or hurt too much if i try do them. im sure others can relate to this feeling of missing every...
Read more

todays feelings pt. 2

-
                                                                          Today at 18:20 therapy will only help so much because my symptoms are physical.  it’s because of how my brain feels that i almost puke every morning, it’s because of how my brain and body feels post covid that is re-traumatising me every second. therapy is not going to undo these symptoms, because they are from a viral infection. my only hope is therapy might help me accept that my life is over now and make the transition less difficult. but i am in shock and i would just give anything to have how my body and brain felt in april/may 2022 back.  — Today at 18:22 i knew covid would effect me this way because i know how autistic and sensitive i am. i was vocal and loud to communicate this to anyone who was going to be around ...
Read more