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4 years ago was the last summer i had. this can't be happening.

my health and time
how i felt inside and how my brain felt
and my hopes and wishes
and spending time with my mama and my cat
and being able to go outside to see the flowers I loved

were all i had to lose in this hurtful existence and somehow they got taken too.
i hurt to the depths of my bones, i've never known pain like this.
i was at my limit when this happened.
i was just starting to feel okay again.
please.

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before may 2022:
i used to get up
i used to clean my room
i used to play piano
i used to paint

i used to draw
i used to sing
i used to dance
i used to watch youtube
i used to listen to podcasts
i used to cuddle matsan
i used to lie down
i used to go for walks
i used to stretch and jog
i used to go to the park
i used to cycle (i'd just got a bike in 2021 and freedom to ride it here)
i used to have baths and they were nice
i used to make playlists and listen to music
i used to love watching tv shows i'd just discovered what fun they were
i used to love movies i finally was able to start watching them alone and not panic
i used to love photographing beautiful things
i used to love colouring in

i used to want to stream on twitch more. February 2022 i got back into it 
life was becoming okay again

i used to want to learn watercolour
i used to want to start a recipe blog
i used to want to write a song
i used to want to re-read my favourite books
i used to want to make tiktoks
i used to want to learn to ice skate
i used to want to learn to make candles and dice
i used to want to become fluent in serbian
i used to want to learn piano properly

i wished of having a kitten
i wished of having a garden and vegetable patch
i wished of helping my mom pay off her debt
i wished of seeing my family in serbia
i wished of seeing my favourite kitten i saved in croatia
i wished for my moms health and happiness
i wished for the health and happiness of everyone
i wished for happiness and health for myself


today I wake up
i cry

i can't play the games i want to play

i can't listen to podcasts

i can't watch tv or movies

i can't watch youtube i want to watch

i can't listen to music 

i can't clean my room

i can't do diy

i can't have baths they hurt

i can't 

i can't play my piano (i haven't since may 2022)

i can't sing

i can't dance

i can't dream

i can't wish

i can't think

i can't read books

i can't walk around my home without crying

i don't feel safe

i can't sleep in my bed

my room is gone

i can't walk around my home i don't feel safe in it

i don't feel safe anywhere anymore

i haven't felt comfort in my body since may 2022

help. god help. why couldn't anything have been different.

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