i wish

-



i wish he'd pushed for us to wait to get to know each other, to ensure my safety, after everything i'd been through.

i wish he'd pushed for us to wait because getting treatment should've been the most important financial thing in my life in that moment.

I wish he'd pushed for us to wait because paying off my moms debt and living my dream of taking her on holiday should've been the happiness he wanted me to have.

I wish he'd pushed for us to wait because I was scared and nervous.

I wish he'd pushed for us to wait and wanted to make sure I wouldn't get hurt again and got to know  him fully because making any decisions.



















my teeth were straight before i met him,

i was healthy and well, and was in a position to sacrifice a lot of irl stuff (which i had, i hadn't seen my dad in a year), work from home, i was very high risk for covid (pmdd, autism, low platelets, had simian crease, and other genetics that made me in the genetically high risk group for neurological symptoms, and was at my lowest weight, needed feeding tube, needed surgey)

and was lucky and hadn't had covid until he gave it to me without me having a chance. (kissing me after being sick for 4 days and not taking a test for 4 days, not even giving me a chance to be lucky and dodge it by avoiding him in the house.)

one of my covid strikes used up and it wasn't even from leaving house.
it was in my room from someone who claimed to love me more than anything in the universe

that should've been the safest place for me in this world

from someone who had tests all around him in the room
 and had symptoms and was reminded by me about covid every day
there was no room to forget
there was no room to say "fuck it" like he did
there was no room to not make sure
even if it was just a cold.
in his words, "even if it wasn't covid, i shouldn't have kissed you"




i had bought ice skate guards the month before his actions took my health away

i was so excited to experience my 3rd year of life after a lifetime of abuse

it was going to be my 2nd year being able to ride a bike wherever i wanted

it was going to be my 1st year doing hobbies

it was going to be my 1st year being able to afford food and electricity and gas at the same time

it was going to my 1st year discovering parks

it was going to be my 1st year being able to afford to buy my mom things and being alive to experience living after poverty homelessness

i was just starting to catch up on life. i was 26 but i hadn't lived a teenage life. i hadn't lived an adult life. i hadn't lived until the end of 2019 and 2020

I hadn't lived

i was just starting. to live

if anyone would like to kill me in person, please do it.

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