its so over for me bro idk what to even say.

-

i can't cook in the kitchen with my mom. i can't move around ym house. i can't open my tikche cupboard without blinding grief.

when i remember anything i cry and fall to the gruond and go blind with  grief. when my mom brings up a memory i burst into tears.

i used to love my memories. they were my favourite.
I loved remembering nice things.

i shouldn't have lost this much over something so avoidable. not a freak accident. not time. not illness. just a choice of another. a choice not to test. a choice to kiss and not wait. a choice to push for a visit and plane ticket and not wait. what was wrong with waiting. for my sake.

if i hadn't believed them  saying they wouldn't harm me my life would've been okay for a bit longer


if i hadn't believed them my life would've been okay for a bit longer

even if i'd died in a freak accident a year later i would've been happier

i could've experienced 2 years riding my bike instead of 1

i could've experienced 2 years painting instead of 1

i could've got another summer. 

another winter.

I would've had another year cuddling my cat.

how. how. could you.

a few days before you kissed and infected me i was in the doctor for blood tests for low platelets and other blood weakness from my mouth issues

i needed to be protected. then more than ever.

why did you even come over in the first place - if you'd agreed that i should pay for my moms debt first and pay for my treatment first, and didn't push to meet, 'pushed it more and more' in your words.
and refused me paying for the whole ticket and instead opted instead to just wait. till i paid off the debt. till i could seek private treatment asap.

i would've survived bv.
i could've survived.

i couldn't survive you.

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