idk man it just hurts

O No It's impossible It's impossible I said I wouldn't date until i healed to protect myself It's impossible. It's impossible the person I made an exception for hurt me this severely more than anyone ever could why did you It's not possible It's not possible Time. Help Help Elpm Helpm Helpm Help. Help. Help. Help Help. Oh ymh is. Oh ymh I'd. Oh my god. HELP. HELP. HELP help. HELP. PLEASE I have to go BACK IT HURTS TOO MUCH HELP IT GUESS TOO NCUB help IT HURTS TOO MHCH HELP. IT HURTS TOO MUCH. HELP IT HURTS TOO MUCH Help typerwiter my dad help. poems help. help help help help help help help. hlep help help help ehpl help music p happines help help hlep help hlpe lhep moths my moth help hwlpe help hhow could you help ty the tasmian tiger how could you im puk shrek 2 shrek2 shrek 2 gameboy help help help hlep help help hlep help. help. i lvoed shrek 2 help. help. i sued to tur nmy router off. my wall help. help help hlep lhe plphelhpe help. helphelp help ne...

I MISS THE ANXIETYI MISS MY TEETH PROBLEMS I MISS MY PAST TRAUMAS I MISS THE WORST DAYS OF MY LIFE BEFORE YOU HURT ME HOW COULD YOU IM PUKING HBOW COULD YOU THE ISLE. STARWBERRY TOWN. MY BERAIN. HOW COULD YOU ------ I JOGGED OT HTE PARK. HOW COULD YOU.HO W OCULD YOU.H OW OUCLD YL. YOUWH OCUOLOD YOU. DOLLIGTHFUL HELP WARM IGHTING HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP LHEP HELP MY MY BIG SALT LAMP THAT I JUST GOT I ONLY JUST GOT IT ----- IM ACIDLY PUKING UP MY BLODO AND MY GRIEF HOW COULD YOU 0HW COUD LYOU HOW COULD YOU HOW COULD YOU HOW COULD YOU MY TOM AND JERRY HOW COUL DYOU. HOW COULD YOU HOW COULD YOU HOW COULD YOU HOW COULD YOU H WOCOULDYLUOU IM GOING OT EXPLODE FROM GRIEF ----- HOW COULD YOU HOW COULD YOUHOW COULD YOU HOW COUL DYOU HOW COUL DYOU! HOW FUCKIGN COULD YOU HOW C COULD YOU I WAS SAFE BEFORE I MET YOU I WAS WWAS SAFE BEFORE IBOOKED THOSE TICKETS I WISH I NEVER I WISH I DIDNT HOW COULD YOU HOW COULD YOU GARLIC FINGEWRS GHRAVEYARD MY PHONE HYLRP. HELP,. HRELP HELP. HOW COUD LYOU Y...

 help. somrthing is so wrong i USED to go to the park and everything was the same for 27 years  and i used to listen to podcasts stand go on the train and i was careful and sacrificed everything to avoid getting sick and i was happy and i was ____ why and the hospital and help and i miss the trauma of my teeth and my usual anxities help and my plants and help and going for walk and and help and ___ why and help and i wish i didnt meet __ and help and my period didnt hurt and my phone and help and i used to go to the supermarket and but i didnt but help and the the doctor and help and porridge and help pasta and help and everything peppers and leek and potato soup and and movie and tv shows and my bowl that ___ broke and help and everything and books and nature and my tv and and cycling and my dad and help floaties in my eye and help piano and everything and my life and painting and drawing and painting and my life and my phone and my tv favourite shows and help help and help a...

the way i can describe it, getting given covid at home negligently instead of getting it out and about, at the library, or from a family member. instead of slipping and breaking your back, it would be like someone pushed you and you broke your back. And not just that, but someone you were terrified of pushing you and initially didn't want to trust and almost didn't hang out with because of the real chance of you slipping and breaking your back by trusting them but they promised they wouldn't push you, would protect you from slipping, and would be so careful about not pushing you, and promised that you wouldn't slip, fall, or break your back around them. and those promises were the reason you put your fear of hanging out with them aside, and then they pushed you and you slipped and broke your back. and then you became paralysed and couldn't do anything in your life anymore. that's how it felt to get covid given to me when tests were right there, when any hint of ...

IMAGINE U Start talking to a girl online and start flirting w her and offering her help and she says she's too traumatised to date anyone and is too scared to get hurt again bc she barely survived her last trauma, and you promise you won't hurt her and she tells you how terrified she is of covid but that she's managed to avoid it for 2.8 years and she pays for your flights, opens her home to you, her and her mom welcome you with open arms and cook for you and make you comfortable and you leave her crying all night on her birthday by making it traumatising by drinking too much past your limit, and breaking things and almost dying and going to hospital, , and then she forgives you and then 2 weeks later you give her covid in her own room, disable her, traumatise her beyond belief, stop her working, stop her getting medical treatment, drain her funds, don't manage to pick up the pieces of the covid infection with anything tangible like fulfilling anything you promised,and ...

  I truly cannot believe. I truly cannot believe that I invited someone, to stay with me. in crucial time before my surgery when I was at critical weight. I cannot believe. That they didn't wear a mask when on public transport, That they were coughing and had a fever and didn't.. didn't.... how.. how can you do that.. around someone who's expressed their priority of staying well.. because of their weak state, because of their existing conditions, because of need to be prepared for surgery.. how i.. i can't... why, if you have a cough, a symptomatic cough, if you have a fever, a temprature, why would you dismiss that as nothing, why when i asked you why did you not just be open, instead you said that you thought you weren't sick, you dismissed my pain so much. why would you not keep distance from me with a cough, runny nose, a fever? i have a photo on my old camera roll of you with a thermometer in your mouth 2 days before you took a test. and now. it...

  hopefully somewhere between my next post and this one i die. please. because i really cannot do it anymore. i cannot. i'm so fucking sorry, everyone. i cannot. i've maybe been able to express 0.01% of my pain.  in order for me to live i needed to not get covid in my room during the most traumatising illness of my life that needed urgent surgery after giving away the money my mom needed and that i needed for private surgery and then getting too sick to work and losing my brain and body and health aand mind nad existing without the surgery i needed losing my mind in confusion and pain and experiencing physical pain and torture for 3 years unable to eat or sleep + losing every coping mechanism i've ever had in my entire life and everything i ever loved to do in my existence and getting too sick and traumatised to even open my bathroom cupboard. i loved matsan. i loved my mom. i loved my life. i loved EVERYTHING.  and yes it was my fault for trusting and putting the necessa...

Maybe this is spoiled of me to say but I can't exist. I can't exist having lost everything Id loved and was a part of me from age 0 till 26. Everything I loved out Loud. Everything I loved secretly in my heart. everything from my pets, my family, my loved ones, my friends, to Warm baths. Green tea.  Everything I could love. and everything that I thought about.  It's gone and it's just pain. ITS JUST PAIN. _____ I wish I'd been hit by a car instead. I wish anything had happened instead. ANYTHING ON THIS EARTH. My head. My skin. My neck. My eyes. How could you take everything I ever loved away. COVID is horrible. If it gets in your brain it's fucking horrible. if you're sensitive and autistic its fucking horrible. I'm dying every waking moment. I can't believe i was ever NOT DYING LIKE THIS. i cant stay asleep. there’s too much panic i can’t stay asleep. there’s too much dread if i think about that i lost 3 years with my mum and matsan. when i was 4 ye...

a 15 minute test was all that stood between me living a world of pain and my moms life getting destroyed. a test. a mask. a 'i'll wait until i'm less coughing and sniffling to be around you' a 'maybe it is covid, maybe i am contagious, i better not kiss you' i took tests with no symptoms before i saw the people i cared about. i thought that was normal. i tested in the morning before i picked you up from the airport. i had no symptoms. i just didn't want to get you sick asymptomatically. 

i want to leave tonight but what will my mom do i want to leave tonight but what will my therapist do i want to leave tonight but what will my friends do, they'll have to make a new discord server i want to leave tonight but what will matsan do, maybe he would join me before too long i want to leave tonight i hope someone finds my favourite books i want to leave tonight I hope someone gets to use the paints and pencils I collected out of love i want to leave tonight i hope someone loves my piano as much as i did and learns to play blue da be de da ba dai on it i want to leave tonight i hope my godfather knows i loved him i want to leave tonight i hope my dad knows i loved him i want to leave tonight i hope my mom knows i didn't mean for this to happen i want to leave tonight i hope my mom knows i wanted us to be happy together. i want to leave tonight i hope everyone who's presence blessed my life knows they gave me the happiest years of my life. i want to leave tonight but...

I am not blaming anyone,  I am just saying what happened and why am I traumatised in shock. Before inviting over someone with the intention of preventing my death, i was staring in the face with starvation and negligence (but still happy because minus starving, i had my health!) the month i invited someone i'd just met over, i: (yes, this was stupid, i feel like i was possessed by stupidity but when i look back i thought i was dying and about to die.  i'd asked my sister for help and was turned away, i'd asked for help everywhere, i needed hands on help with going to private surgery practices and this was the help that was offered to me) The month before they got here: I was financially secure with a job I could do even while physically weak My teeth were straight and I had time and opportunity to save my mouth and jaw.  My phone was working I was getting very good at piano, something I'd wanted to do my whole life but was too traumatised between 2014-2020 to do so. ...

 i am in disorientated hell. for me it's 2021, just barely 2022. 2015 was 6 years ago. Now its fucking TEN YEARS AGO. this has  destroyed me. everyones dying or dead. Fuck. This couldn't have happened ot myl ife. I couldn't have blacked out from covid for FOUR YEARS OF MY LIFE. i remember everything in so much detial before i got sick and after I got sick its just this horrible disgusting sickening feverish swirl. there's no real memories. everything feels sick. 10/10 times with 100% accurancy I can remember a random event and pinpoint if it was before I had covid or after because I can tell if the memory has that horrible black ooze over my perception of the world because my brain felt off and horrible after the 6th day of my infection. I still think this is a weird silly dream I haven't woken up from yet. Oh you know, I think it is.  Thank god man. I really scared me for a  second there, I thought this might have been real. I'll wake up soon in my bed, with my...

how come i'd sooner sooner get more disabled than kiss someone i care about if i was sick, nobody could never make me. but why is it for me that they'd rather i get more disabled than not kiss me when they were sick why are my feelings so different. i made sure to bring masks to the airport, i have no idea you actually wore it on the plane or you just put it on right before you saw me to appease me i made sure to pack spare masks wherever we went and made sure you had yours but i had to hide my disappointment and trust your judgement that if you caught it you would protect me when you said you didn't want to wear it on the train. i made sure you had tests and i made sure i had tests in the house. i made sure you knew where they were and offered. i was too soft to force you to take one or get out of the house when your symptoms started. i trust too much that you wouldn't do something you know would hurt me more than anything. i asked you if it was covid but i trusted yo...

 April 2022 I was learning a new song on piano I was loving singing I was roller-skating outside I was playing my favourite games and getting back into streaming I was doing content creation, I was doing photography I was learning photo editing I was getting back into jogging My teeth were straight still I was sunbathing I'd just got enough money to pay off my moms debt  I'd just got the book set of my favourite tv show and I was so excited to read it My bed was so comfortable I was drawing and painting again after 7 years of trauma made it too hard I was just starting to heal from my near death experience and abuse I was happy but in pain but hopeful. all of this wonderfullness aside I was traumatised from starving and hospital neglect, but I was about to go private and fix it. I was terrified my mouth issue wouldn't get the surgery it needed but I did all these things to help me cope with the pain. I had a blanket on my bed. I had a bike. I was so excited for summer. I...