how

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 I truly cannot believe. I truly cannot believe that I invited someone, to stay with me. in crucial time before my surgery when I was at critical weight.


I cannot believe.
That they didn't wear a mask when on public transport,
That they were coughing and had a fever and didn't.. didn't.... how.. how can you do that.. around someone who's expressed their priority of staying well.. because of their weak state, because of their existing conditions, because of need to be prepared for surgery.. how i.. i can't... why, if you have a cough, a symptomatic cough, if you have a fever, a temprature, why would you dismiss that as nothing, why when i asked you why did you not just be open, instead you said that you thought you weren't sick, you dismissed my pain so much. why would you not keep distance from me with a cough, runny nose, a fever? i have a photo on my old camera roll of you with a thermometer in your mouth 2 days before you took a test. and now. it's been almost 3 full years since I last played piano. since i last laid in bed and watched tv. since i last could jog, do cardio, ride a bike. since i last had dreams. since i last could listen to music. since my skin didn't burn. 3 full years since i was safe. since me and my mom were okay since i had wishes since i had hope 3 full years since my teeth were straight and still able to be saved with surgery since i last had silence in my brain since i last could think clearly since my memories didn't hurt and were instead lovely things i cherished since i could manage my existing chronic conditions 3 years since matsan was safe and well 3 years since i had everything in my home and it wasn't broken 3 years since i had my room and felt safe in it 3 years since i was able to care about small things like washing my hair, painting my nails, to dance, to skin, cared about my clothes, god. help. i miss songs every day. i miss tv every day. i miss old tv shows like old friends. this collapsed my autistic brain. please listen to autistic people when they say getting covid will potentially disturb their baseline and cause so much sensory issue. my brain feels horrible i want to cry 24/7 god, to the person who did this to me, if you ever see this, i just wish you didn't. I am not angry at you. I am angry at covid, but I wish you didn't promise not to hurt me, I wish you didn't reassure me as much as you did about covid, I wouldn't have let my guard down. I just wish you didn't do that. I wish you knew the responsibility of pursuing and trying to sway a really traumatised, weak, and fragile autistic girl. i really wish you understood that when said it was safe to ignore my fears and when you promised what you did. i wish you didn't tell me not ruin what we had because i was too terrified. i wish you were more open to me pulling the plug when i said i was scared, "don't pull the plug" is burned into my head. by the time you left i was disabled, traumatised, and penniless. the difference between the week before i met you in person and 4 weeks after, my entire life ended.

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