the way i can describe it, getting given covid at home negligently instead of getting it out and about, at the library, or from a family member.
instead of slipping and breaking your back,
it would be like someone pushed you and you broke your back.
And not just that,
but someone you were terrified of pushing you and initially didn't want to trust and almost didn't hang out with because of the real chance of you slipping and breaking your back by trusting them
but they promised they wouldn't push you, would protect you from slipping, and would be so careful about not pushing you, and promised that you wouldn't slip, fall, or break your back around them.
and those promises were the reason you put your fear of hanging out with them aside,
and then they pushed you and you slipped and broke your back.
and then you became paralysed and couldn't do anything in your life anymore.
that's how it felt to get covid given to me when tests were right there, when any hint of action or even lack of harmful action would've spared me
when i was on a terrified hair's edge decision of trusting in the first place
when i almost cut the ties and blocked them because i needed to protect myself from trauma but they said please don't do that. don't let your fear ruin something good.
i hope this leads to me helping someone or something good coming out of this because otherwise, my life that i was happily living, (I'd finally started to watch tv and paint and play piano and connect with life after 6-7 years of trauma took my early and mid twenties)
if nothing good comes out of this then my life ended abruptly for no reason and it breaks my heart.
todays feelings
i wake up, the pain sets in and realisation of that i’m in this reality, i panic and cry for majority of the day, then i pass out and it repeats, no matter what i try do. repeat for 2.5 years i haven’t been a human being since april 2022 i’m just in shock. i’m in shock and have been in shock since my symptoms came on and i have been in shock since i’m in shock. i caught it where i should’ve been safest in the world, in my room where only people i briefed on how covid would kill me were allowed to enter, i can't process this And that was the last week i ever played my piano, ever rode my bike and ever watched a movie and tv show pain free. i have lost 96% of everything i love and everything in my life because of getting covid how and when i did i should’ve only had to deal with the trauma of the jaw and mouth and scary teeth stuff. i shouldn’t have got infected mid all of that. every day i miss how traumatic the jaw stuff was and all the hospital trips, because it was heaven compa...
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