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hopefully somewhere between my next post and this one i die. please. because i really cannot do it anymore. i cannot. i'm so fucking sorry, everyone. i cannot. i've maybe been able to express 0.01% of my pain. 
in order for me to live i needed to not get covid in my room during the most traumatising illness of my life that needed urgent surgery after giving away the money my mom needed and that i needed for private surgery and then getting too sick to work and losing my brain and body and health aand mind nad existing without the surgery i needed losing my mind in confusion and pain and experiencing physical pain and torture for 3 years unable to eat or sleep + losing every coping mechanism i've ever had in my entire life and everything i ever loved to do in my existence and getting too sick and traumatised to even open my bathroom cupboard.
i loved matsan. i loved my mom. i loved my life. i loved EVERYTHING. 

and yes it was my fault for trusting and putting the necessary tools to hurt me in someone else's hands but for fucking once i wish i'd been spared, by them, by life, by chance.

i dont know why life thought i was strong enough to survive this. i've been sensitive since i was a child. i've been scared since i was a child. i've only ever wanted just to feel SAFE. 

that incident of getting covid, in that week, in that way, from that source, after that trust was given, after everything i had was given, that was enough to kill me. i'm just somehow alive. 
and i don't want to be anymore. it is just pain and fuck all. 

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