why are my feelings so different.

how come i'd sooner sooner get more disabled than kiss someone i care about if i was sick, nobody could never make me.

but why is it for me that they'd rather i get more disabled than not kiss me when they were sick

why are my feelings so different.



i made sure to bring masks to the airport, i have no idea you actually wore it on the plane or you just put it on right before you saw me to appease me


i made sure to pack spare masks wherever we went and made sure you had yours but i had to hide my disappointment and trust your judgement that if you caught it you would protect me when you said you didn't want to wear it on the train.

i made sure you had tests and i made sure i had tests in the house. i made sure you knew where they were and offered. i was too soft to force you to take one or get out of the house when your symptoms started.
i trust too much that you wouldn't do something you know would hurt me more than anything.

i asked you if it was covid but i trusted you when you said you'd know if you had covid. despite the fact you were vaccinated. despite the fact asymptomatic infections exist. despite the fact i told you in so many times so in detail why avoiding covid in my household with my moms age and my existing chronic conditions and unvaccinated status and current health situation and my surgery needing complications.

i thought nobody in the world could ever take a risk with someone after they did all that.

i gave you every tool to protect me. i gave you all the information to spare me.
i gave you all the tools to protect yourself. i'm so fucking sorry you caught it. i tried everything to prevent you getting it. i brought masks, i tried.
if i had caught it the most important thing to me after getting it would be making sure you didn't get it.
you seemed to fare better than me. it turns out long covid causes more complications in women, so i guess an an autistic woman who'd just lost 15% of my body weight, i had no chance. i can't explain to you pain i had in my reproductive organs from this.
i can't explain to you the confusion and distress and horrific perception i've had in my brain since this happened.
i can't explain to you the way my body feels different and i can't cope with it.
i can't ever explain to you the way this has impacted my life and destroyed it. the little life i had is unrecognizable. its gone, ___.

this can't be taken back. it can't be undone. not to compare two bad things, but to compare in the sense of the finality of it - just like stepping behind the wheel of a car drunk and hitting someone and disabling them can't be taken back.
it just can't be taken back.
and literally. literally all i have left. in this world. that i can't still do.

is write this post.

the pain in my chest is relentless. 

3 years ago pain in my chest would've made me panic because I loved my life so much. I wanted to live forever.

now this pain in my chest is just a welcome difference from all the regular pain.


i will never stop wishing our paths didn't cross. I will mourn the life i had and almost had forever.


i wish really. really wish you'd taken the test/kept distance from me/said "i don't know, maybe it could be covid" instead of no,/ was open to the fact you were contagious/acknowledged your fever/wore your mask on the train/not kissed me/taken one of your tests.

doing any one single one of those in any moment of those millions of moments over the 4 days you were sniffly/coughing would have saved me and would have spared me. 

i can't wrap my head around how its an accident if you had tests you could've take any time, you could've kept you distance anytime, you could've caught you coughs, you could've not kissed me, and you said you weren't asymptomatic, i saw you, you weren't asymptomatic at all. you had a responsibility of your actions, after the trust i was giving you as a weak and unwell traumatised autistic girl, i was trusting you to not get me sick

how  did you not know when you had a thermometer in your mouth

i keep thinking im being dramatic but i've suffered in ways words cannot describe. i've lost loved ones and i've been in the dark in unbelievable pain and torture since i had covid.


there's no universe where I thought it was in the realm of possibility for someone who promised to never hurt me, who asked for the chance to prove they wouldn't hurt me, who knew my medical condition, who knew covid was my biggest fear because of my chronic conditions, who knew i was terrified of covid and mentioned it every day, who knew we had tests, who knew i was sensitive, who knew i was autistic, who knew i was delicate, would ever risk my life.

not like this. not after being invited into my home, not after having £800+ of travel paid for and food caringly made for you and a warm welcoming.