just one month

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 April 2022
I was learning a new song on piano
I was loving singing
I was roller-skating outside
I was playing my favourite games and getting back into streaming
I was doing content creation, I was doing photography
I was learning photo editing
I was getting back into jogging
My teeth were straight still
I was sunbathing
I'd just got enough money to pay off my moms debt 
I'd just got the book set of my favourite tv show and I was so excited to read it
My bed was so comfortable
I was drawing and painting again after 7 years of trauma made it too hard
I was just starting to heal from my near death experience and abuse
I was happy but in pain but hopeful.
all of this wonderfullness aside I was traumatised from starving and hospital neglect, but I was about to go private and fix it.
I was terrified my mouth issue wouldn't get the surgery it needed but I did all these things to help me cope with the pain.
I had a blanket on my bed.
I had a bike. I was so excited for summer.
I'd just found an amazing park with tadpoles.
I was going to see my god-auntie and spend time with my dad.

June/July 2022.

All the money I was going to pay off my moms debt with is gone.
I got covid in my bedroom. My bedroom with tests in it. My bedroom with me need a feeding tube and surgery in it. My room where I should be safe.
I lost the ability to work
I couldn't focus on finding the private treatment I needed because of the brainfog
The dizziness made all the pain in my teeth worse
I couldn't play my piano anymore
My cat almost died in hospital
My phone broke
I couldn't exercise because of Covid
I couldn't think. 
OCD onset suddenly after the severe headaches
I felt concussed.
. no blanket. no bed.
So many things in my home got broken and ik who cares but I loved them and had them since my childhood. they were comforts and joys.

My teeth started twisting out of my mouth.

And the sleep deprivation/food deprivation torture with no coping mechanisms, no exercise, no riding my bike that summer, no joy, pans symptoms, confusion, dizziness, ovary pain, body pain, disorientation, alice in wonderland syndrome, loss of future dreams and hopes, cptsd, mouth becoming permenantly destroyed and unable to close. began. 

a month.
a month.
all it takes is a month if you trust someone and it goes wrong.


Janurary 2024.
my mouths fucked and the pain was torture that traumatised my brain.
all my dreams are crushed,
my eyesights fucked
i haven't played my favourite games in 3 years.
I can't see the tadpoles anymore.
My god-auntie is dead.
I couldn't see my dad.
I haven't played piano in 3 years I had covid in 2022.
I haven't riden my bike in 3 years.
I haven't watched my favourite tv shows. in 3 years.
I can't look at anything.
I am in hell.

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