what did he want that was worth this if he wanted me to be happy and knew what was best for me he would've wanted me to pay off my debt first and not suggest sooner flights but slow down when i said i was nervous and not ready for anything like a relationship matsan is almost 18 years old and i've missed 3 years with him i can't stop cdrying. i haven't bene able to cuddl and watch movies with him since aprril 2022 my ex took so much from me it hurts to the ends of the earth and hurts every part ofmy soul my god father is almost 80 and i've lost 3 yuears with him he can't leave bed anymore my god grandmother died before i could see her again because of the brainfog and my health crisis sprailling downward after having c0vid dad is almost 80 and iv lost 3 years of cycling to see him my mom is in her 70s and i was going to help her after a lifetime in poverty i haven't been able to watch a movie with her for 3 years he took so much from me he never...
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4 years ago was the last summer i had. this can't be happening. my health and time how i felt inside and how my brain felt and my hopes and wishes and spending time with my mama and my cat and being able to go outside to see the flowers I loved were all i had to lose in this hurtful existence and somehow they got taken too. i hurt to the depths of my bones, i've never known pain like this. i was at my limit when this happened. i was just starting to feel okay again. please. -------------------------------------------- before may 2022: i used to get up i used to clean my room i used to play piano i used to paint i used to draw i used to sing i used to dance i used to watch youtube i used to listen to podcasts i used to cuddle matsan i used to lie down i used to go for walks i used to stretch and jog i used to go to the park i used to cycle (i'd just got a bike in 2021 and freedom to ride it here) i used to have baths and they were nice i used to make playlists and listen to ...
the things mattered most to me in this entire world, to my soul. was spending time with my mom and my cat, making up lost time from my abuse, and going for little walks. not being able to do that for 3 years. losing 3 precious years ontop of what was 7 years. but this time losing so much more. i can't. the grief is crushing my and no wonder i'm already crying before i even wake up. IT HURTS SO MUCH I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO i couldn't handle worse than what i've already been through. i know it, he knows it, the universe knows it
#youngerself I met my younger self for coffee today She showed up 10 minutes late and I struggled to even show. her hair was natural brown, and mine is too, and she was happy when I told her we lived our dream of being blonde like Terra from Teen Titans for a few years. she asked if we still had Matsan and loved gaming. I let her know not really… that I'm hurting so bad I can't do anything. she asked if we survived the domestic abuse? we did, barely, with so much help from friends and loved ones. but then something much much worse happened just as we got our freedom back. She starts crying, and so do I. she asked with bright eyes if we got our dream of making our mom happy and getting out of poverty. I could hardly even talk. Almost, I tell her. almost. months into it we lost it all and met someone who was reckless with our health and our money and our life, kissed us while sick and we lost our career and health and all our dreams. I can't keep the conversation going, i...
im just mad and upset :'( i watched so many moves in the start of 2022 :( i was starting to watch every movie i'd ever wanted to watch!! i was so excited at being able to watch movies, end of 2021 was when i just started feeling okay watching movies by myself i just watched so many so it was amazing to enter different worlds like ethat I loved it and i'm so upset!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I haven't watched any since I got sick because everything in my brain went numb and weird with fog the truama of getting covid from someone who promised to care but didn't take the tests they were supposed to take. when i'd sacrificed my treatment and debt money for them at their suggestion to meet that summer. shocked the life out of me ._. I can't stand him for doing this and turning my life upside in the most painful way ever! I was joyful in my heart and at peace in my home! how could he!
i wish
i wish he'd pushed for us to wait to get to know each other, to ensure my safety, after everything i'd been through. i wish he'd pushed for us to wait because getting treatment should've been the most important financial thing in my life in that moment. I wish he'd pushed for us to wait because paying off my moms debt and living my dream of taking her on holiday should've been the happiness he wanted me to have. I wish he'd pushed for us to wait because I was scared and nervous. I wish he'd pushed for us to wait and wanted to make sure I wouldn't get hurt again and got to know him fully because making any decisions. my teeth were straight before i met him, i was healthy and well, and was in a position to sacrifice a lot of irl stuff (which i had, i hadn't seen my dad in a year), work from home, i was very high risk for covid (pmdd, autism, low platelets, had simian crease, and other genetics that made me in the genetically high risk group for ne...
the only thing that stops me screaming crying is if i decide to end my life. i just can't live with it. i can't live with how much he hurt me. talking to my friends isn't helping enough, therapy isn't helping enough, trying to do things i like isn't enough. taking my health and abilities to do things after i'd recently got out of 7 years of abuse trauma. after i'd just saved to pay off my moms debt. after i'd just survived the *at the time* worst of my mouth stuff *before covid made it 100000000x times worse) was the worst thing. anyone on this earth. could have ever. done to me. i hope if heaven is real its jus my life 2019 to early 2022 before we met. that's all i want. that was my heaven. my matsan and my bed and my ability to ride bikes in the sun and listen to music. my heaven. how could you cause me this many tears, physical pain, and sadness. AMTANSTAM YB AMSTNS N ASOIDBN OAERJ OSIM ANS MYIFELS NALTM Y ILFESIJ ABDADAD ANDI AND LCESID HOSUE A...