todays feelings pt. 2

                                                                         Today at 18:20

therapy will only help so much because my symptoms are physical. 

it’s because of how my brain feels that i almost puke every morning, it’s because of how my brain and body feels post covid that is re-traumatising me every second.

therapy is not going to undo these symptoms, because they are from a viral infection.

my only hope is therapy might help me accept that my life is over now and make the transition less difficult.

but i am in shock and i would just give anything to have how my body and brain felt in april/may 2022 back.

 — Today at 18:22

i knew covid would effect me this way because i know how autistic and sensitive i am.

i was vocal and loud to communicate this to anyone who was going to be around me, so i could say to please please please be careful

 

either it wasn’t enough or they didn’t fully believe the severity.
it felt like telling someone peanuts would kill you and then putting a handful of mixed nuts in your mouth just bc they thought the mixed nuts didn’t have peanuts in.

why the risk at all when the outcome could be so severe,
and why in my mouth at all

[18:24]

therapy doesn’t fix people with health problems or disabilities. 

i need everyone to know that. 😞

it might take the edge off how unsafe i feel, but nobody be surprised if im still unable to cope with how my brain feels.


some things we cannot fix even with medicine, with therapy, so you have to avoid them in the first place

therapy isn’t going to fix anything physically wrong in my brain and in my body

it might take the edge of the trauma of catching it from what should’ve been my safest place in the world, at home in my room around a beloved person, who knew covid would devastate me forever.


now nowhere feels safe and i’m in permanent shock because i thought i was safe, i’d trusted.
it was so hard for me to trust.

i can’t. i can’t cope with post covid existence. 

Today at 19:49

this was my 2nd worst fear, above dying, and i’d been scared of dying since i was 3, so. this is hard.

and for it to happen from from what should’ve been the most safest place in the world for me, it wasn't outside my home, it wasn't with a stranger, it wasn't with a friend, it wasn't in a hospital, it wasn't anything except what should be the safest place. 

that’s the only way this happened to me and i can’t handle it.

there’s no fixing it. there’s just grief. i have to hug my past self and tell her her second biggest fear is going to come true and she’s going to lose her whole life as she knew it.

-----

regardless of everything i didn’t deserve to miss the deadlines on my mouth problem, 
regardless of everything i didn’t deserve to lose so much, 

regardless of how awful i am i didn’t deserve to spend every morning for the past 900 days waking up and almost puking and panicking from waking up enough to feel the covid brain sensations. 

i don’t think i’ve done anything in this life that i didn’t do out of love.
so i’m not sure what i did to deserve this

[18:23]

if you’ve had covid and can’t relate then your body didn’t have the same immune response mine did then i am relieved for you. different genetics result in different symptoms and different reactions. i hadn't been sick in 14 years and my brain attacked itself in the viral reaction because of how i caught it.

it was the strangest head pain i'd ever had and i never felt the same since. that's just how it is.

and nobody wants to hear about it too much, because things like death and disability are so taboo, once you’re not fun anymore you’re adding to the grief of life that everyone is trying to avoid

i feel like a shell and empty body now now
but i was a person once, i was a friend, i was me.
and i’m going to keep sharing my final thoughts until my last breath because this is almost all i have left.